There have been many times when I start off a new post that I know exactly what I am going to talk about, but with this one, it's just not coming to me. I knew that I needed to write a post though, so here are two reasons on why I should probably write one now: ONE - Because I haven't written one in awhile & TWO - There has been a lot of things laying heavily on my heart. --so I thought that was good enough for me--
As a lot of you may know I have been discerning becoming a full-time missionary for LifeTeen. What a lot of you don't know, is that I have been questioning this discernment. Whether it be family issues, cold feet, something that I'm just not suppose to do, or the Lord testing my willingness of faith, I've been having doubts.
You may find this funny, but the first step is admitting you have a problem/doubts. A friend told me, in order to conquer our fears and doubts, we must admit/say them out loud. If not, it will slowly build up inside to where one truly does not know how to deal with such massive confusion. With that said, I HAVE A PROBLEM!! Yes, I said it, I have a problem. And it's not my crazy dancing and wild hair either. I have a problem with doubting myself, and being afraid of what has yet to come. So many times, I find myself afraid of the 'what if's' in life instead of the enjoying the 'right nows' in life.
Which brings me to my bible verse of the post:
"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." - 1Corinthians 14.33
I feel as if we are constantly reminded of this, yet we don't stop to think and pray on it. I took some time over the past week to just think about this verse; when I woke up & right before I went to sleep. So many times through these past few weeks, I have just felt 'confused' always wondering WHY? Someone would ask me how I was doing, and instead of saying "I'm good." or "Everything's okay" I would just say, "I'm confused. Like really CONFUSED." Instead of praying for clarity, I struggled and forced prayers that asked God "What should I be doing with my life?". Instead of asking for the journey, I was asking God for the destination. THAT'S NOT LIFE PEOPLE, IT'S JUST NOT. And to think, I probably could have figured this out a bit sooner..
I'm not saying that I have everything figured out just yet, believe me, I DON'T. I am still a bit confused, but I'm confused with the hope for clarity. I have found peace in the decision of waiting for the destination and enjoying the journey. You may ask me "So Erika, what is your plan?" [First off, if anyone asks you this question, ANYONE, they need to reevaluate that question, ask themselves that same exact question, and see if they have an answer for it. BECAUSE NO ONE DOES.] Buuuuuuut, if anyone does ask me that question, I will simply tell them "I don't know" not with a confused state of mind, but yet one with a bit more clarity than before.
Last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST (because this may involve me coming to you one day), if you ever need to admit your doubts to anyone, just know I'm here. And if anyone has any words of wisdom or clarity on the subject matter, please let me know.
Know that God is always there to listen, but I'm always here too!!
- Erika Watson
Last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST (because this may involve me coming to you one day), if you ever need to admit your doubts to anyone, just know I'm here. And if anyone has any words of wisdom or clarity on the subject matter, please let me know.
Know that God is always there to listen, but I'm always here too!!
- Erika Watson
